


Best Kept Secret

by Engie_Ivy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Sirius Black, James Potter & Lily Evans Potter Live, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Not Canon Compliant, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24482119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engie_Ivy/pseuds/Engie_Ivy
Summary: "Do you resent me?” James suddenly asks. Remus doesn't avert his gaze from the star-scattered sky. “The number of people that I resent has drastically increased these last years, but you’re not one of them, no.” They stay quiet for a while, until Remus speaks again. “Do you resent yourself?” James runs his hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Maybe? Sometimes, yes.” “Why?” “You know why. When I made him our Secret-Keeper, I was knowingly signing his death sentence."With Sirius as their Secret-Keeper, the Potters have an actual chance of surviving this war, but at what costs?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 15
Kudos: 265
Collections: Marauders





	Best Kept Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote a story I've been wanting to write for a while. I hope it turned out okay. Please enjoy, and let me know what you think, if you like!  
> Come find me on Tumblr as Engie-Ivy!

James tightens his arm around Lily’s shoulder, while he holds her hand as tight as he can, not sure whether it’s to support her or keep himself grounded. Dumbledore sits across from them at the kitchen table. The normally so composed man has crumpled robes and a nasty cut on his right cheek, but he still has that familiar calming air around him. They should already know. Based on the fact that he’s even here they should already know, but they need to hear him say it.

"It worked,” Dumbledore finally speaks, sounding more tired than they ever heard him before. “He’s gone. It’s over.” James closes his eyes for a second. So many emotions coursing through him that he doesn’t feel anything for a moment. “Did anyone…” Lily asks. “No,” Dumbledore replies. “Not tonight. McKinnon got hurt when she, Meadows and Lupin tried to stop some fleeing Death Eaters, but it was a minor injury. Lupin will come by tonight, and can give you the details.” Lupin will come by tonight. James repeats the words in his head. Remus will be here, in the aftermath of this terrible war. He has not lost all his friends, though he has no illusions that Remus can help him pick up the pieces of his life, as the man is even more shattered than he is.

He is shaken from his thoughts by Lily, who lets go of his hand and hides her face in her hands. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I dreamed of this moment for so long. I thought I would be so happy, but it’s so surreal, I don’t even know what to feel.” Dumbledore gives her a sympathetic smile. “We lived through many dark days and suffered many wounds, not all of which will heal over time. It’s only logical that joy is still a distant emotion. We will begin a long process of grieve and acceptance, to eventually live the best life we can, as we owe to the friends we lost.” James knows he owes everything to the friend he will never have a chance to thank anymore, and he knows Dumbledore is right; he would want him to live his best damn life.

"What will happen now?” James asks. “The next step is tracking down the remaining Death Eaters,” Dumbledore replies. “We have already managed to enprison some. With the threat of a lifetime in Azkaban hanging above them, it shouldn’t be difficult to get them to talk. We already know that Grimmauld place, the LesStrange villa and Malfoy manor have been used as headquarters. Hopefully we’ll obtain information on how to circumvent the protective measures surrounding these places, so we can search them and obtain more names and more information. Alastor Moody is in charge of the aurors office of the ministry, and will lead the endeavor to bring justice to all who supported His cause, with help of some of the members of the Order.” “I want to help!” James says, balling his hand into a fist. Lily straightens up in her chair. “Yes, we have been cooped up here doing nothing long enough.” James sees the same fighting spirit he feels in her eyes. Merlin, he loves her.

“To find all of Voldemort’s-” Lily and James shudder as Dumbledore says that name. “-allies might very well take years. Alastor could really use witches and wizards of your caliber and experience, and we would be very appreciative of your help. However, for now I strongly advice you to stay inside for at least one more week. At the moment, there is still too much uncertainty. We do not know how Voldemort’s most loyal servants are going to respond to his downfall or if he left them any instructions. We know he had many spies, not all identified, and at the moment, we don’t know who we can trust and who not, but I expect the situation to become more clear the upcoming week. Please,” Dumbledore asks. “I ask you for one more week. Allow your Secret-Keeper to keep you safe for one more week.” Right on cue, Harry starts crying in the other room, as to remind them what is at stake. James gives a small nodd as Lily gets up to go to Harry. “I should be leaving,” Dumbledore says as he gets up from his chair as well, his body stiff. “One more week,” he says to James. “One more week,” James replies as Dumbledore disapparates with a faint pop.

James walks into the living room and stands behind Lily as she holds Harry in her arms. James looks down at his son. He’s going to watch him grow up, in peace surrounded by a loving family. He’s going to teach him how to play quidditch. He’s going to take him to Ollivander to buy his first wand. Lily leans back against his chest. “He’s safe,” she whispers. “Yes,” James replies, and for the first time in a long time a genuine smile spreads across his face.

"You look terrible, mate,” James says as he pulls Remus into a hug. Remus huffs a laugh. “Always nice to see you too, Prongs.” Remus looks pale and tired, with bags under his eyes like he hasn’t slept in days. Normally this would be an indication for James that the full moon has been recently, but if he’s honest with himself, Remus has been looking like this constantly for the last period. That evening Remus gives Lily and James all the details on Dumbledore’s final battle with You Know Who, and they fill Remus in on Dumbledore’s visit. They have dinner and conversation flows easily, but they all know there are many things they leave unspoken.

After dinner, James steps into their small garden, where Remus is standing on the grass, his arms wrapped around himself staring at the night sky. James looks up as well. It’s a clear night and many stars are visible across the sky, one of them standing out more bright than the others: Sirius. “Do you resent me?” James suddenly asks. Remus doesn’t avert his gaze from the star-scattered sky. “The number of people that I resent has drastically increased these last years, but you’re not one of them, no.” They stay quiet for a while, until Remus speaks again. “Do you resent yourself?” James runs his hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Maybe? Sometimes, yes.” “Why?” “You know why. When I made him our Secret-Keeper, I was knowingly signing his death sentence. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that. I don’t know if I should.” “You did what you had to do to protect your family.” “Maybe I did,” James sighs. “But you two were each others family, and I took your family away to save mine. I had no right to do so.” “Prongs…” “Of course I don’t want you to be angry with me.” “Prongs.” “I’m just saying I’d understand if you were.” “James!” Remus finally turns his head away from the night sky to look at him. “Do you honestly think that either one of us could have told Sirius Orion Black what he could and couldn’t do?” Remus looks up at the sky again. “It was his decision.”

_7 months earlier_

_“Dumbledore has offered,” Lily says tentatively. “To do it himself.” Sirius shakes his head. “No, Dumbledore can’t be missed.” Remus, who sits next to Sirius on the couch raises his eyebrows. “As opposed to you?” “I’m more easy to miss than Dumbledore,” Sirius replies. “Not to me,” Remus mutters. Sirius reaches out and takes Remus’ hand in his. “What I mean is, Dumbledore is needed to protect the students at Hogwarts and to lead the Order, and he needs to be visible as the symbol of the opposition. He can’t go into hiding. I can.” “Hiding from You Know Who isn’t something you can just do,” Lily responds. “Which is why we need this Fidelius charm in the first place.” “Yes,” Sirius says with a grin. “But I have a way to change my appearance that hardly anyone knows about. Also, I’m one of the best duellers in the Order, even if they find me, I can handle a few Death Eaters on my tail.”_

_James crosses his arms over his chest. “Dumbledore was very clear about it. You Know Who is obsessed with this prophecy. His number one goal is to… find Harry. Which means that his number one goal will be to find you, and you won’t have a Fidelius charm to protect you. You have to understand how serious this is.” Sirius lets go of Remus’ hand and walks over to James. “Prongs, I’m-” “Don’t you dare make that joke!” Sirius rolls his eyes. “I was going to say I’m not naive, Prongs. I know, okay? I know how powerful You Know Who is, and I know that if You Know Who and all his Death Eaters make it their number one goal to find me, I will not be able to hide forever. However, with my capabilities as a wizard, and mostly by being an unregistered animagus, I do think I’m your best chance to buy time. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Buying time for Dumbledore to do whatever it is he needs to do to find a way to defeat Him, time in which you, and Lily and Harry, are safe. And even if they do catch me, they still need to get the information from me. We know the secret has to be shared voluntarily, rendering Veritaserum and the Imperius curse useless, and even anything said under influence of the Cruciatus curse cannot break the Fidelius’ protection.” “That won’t stop them from trying! You cannot reveal the secret while they use crucio directly, but they can still use their torture techniques for endless suffering, hoping that eventually only the prospect of more torture will make you tell them.” Sirius gives James the defiant look he used to wear when a professor was telling him off. “Let them try their best."_

_James rubs the bridge of his nose. “You would actually provoke them, wouldn’t you? They will lose their patience and kill you!” “That would be brilliant, wouldn’t it?” Grinning, Sirius steps forward and grabs James’ shoulders. “If they slip and kill me, the secret will definitely be safe.” James brushes Sirius’ hands of his shoulders. “ ‘Brilliant’ is not how I would describe my best friend being tortured and killed!” Sirius blinks at him like he only now realises James is not just concerned for his family. “I cannot ask you to do that, Padfoot, not for me.” A soft smile appears on Sirius’ face. “Then it’s a good thing you don’t have to ask me.” He looks over to where Harry is sleeping. “And I’m not just doing it for you.”_

_3 months earlier_

_James leans against the wall and stares out the window. He lets out a shaky breath. These last few months he has felt sadness, anger and fear often enough. Hearing the story of the Prewett brothers’ heroic deaths is still fresh in his memory. But the hurt, betrayal and disbelief he feels now is an entirely different story. “Are you sure?” Lily asks. “I’m afraid so,” Dumbledore replies. “I have informants who, independently of one another, reported the information.” James turns away from the window and grips his wand. “He was in my house! He sat in that chair! He had my son in his lap! He was laughing and playing with Harry, and then turned around to help You Know Who to kill him!” “Prongs, please sit down,” Remus says from where he’s seated next to Lily on the couch. “Moony, he was one of us, he was like a brother, and he conspired against me. No, if only he just conspired against me, but he helped my enemies in their attempt to kill my son!” “But your son is still alive and if you want to keep it that way, you stay inside this house!” James takes a steadying breath. Lily reaches out, pulls him on the couch next to her and wraps her arms around him. "I'm_ _afraid it gets worse,” Dumbledore says._

_James lift his head. What could make Peter Pettigrew’s betrayal- who had basically been family!- worse? It had not been one slip up either, he had systematically been passing on information to You Know Who for over a year. Suddenly realisation hits him like a ton of bricks. “Oh Merlin, Padfoot.” He turns to look at Remus, whose eyes widen in horror as he understands what this means. Remus jumps to his feet. “We have to warn him! We have to send him a message. Sirius has to know that his cover is no longer secret!” Dumbledore shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Mr. Lupin. It’s too late. Pettigrew has informed his master on Mr. Black’s animagus form, and they got to him before we realised what had happened. He was captured this morning.”_

_James feels sick to his stomach. Remus takes a shaking step backwards, and supports himself against the couch. “Do you know where he is?” He whispers. “No,” Dumbledore replies. “We do not.” “Well, we have to find out!” Remus says, sounding desparate. “We have to send a team to save him, we have to get him out of there!” Dumbledore gives Remus a sympathetic look. “I really am sorry, Mr. Lupin, we cannot.” “How do you mean we cannot?” Remus shouts. “Don’t you understand? He’s being tortured right now, at this moment!” “I had a conversation with Sirius before he left, about the possibility of this scenario occurring.” Dumbledore says. “We both agreed that saving him from Voldemort’s inner circle would be close to impossible, and the attempt would lead to unnecessary risk and most likely loss of lives. We decided that the best course of action would be for him to endure it for as long as he can, to keep Voldemort’s attention on him and gain as much time as he can. We also agreed that he would try to pass on false information, to help us set our trap.” “Pass false information onto You Know Who?” Remus asks disbelieving. “He’s an extremely powerful Legilimens! And even if by some miracle it works, chances that You Know Who will be defeated for good are so slim, and once You Know Who realises what Sirius has done, he will kill him. Merlin, even in the best-case scenario, even if we manage to take out You Know Who permanently, Sirius will still be captured and surrounded by desillusioned Death Eaters who will blame him for the downfall of their master. It’s a certain death.”_

_Dumbledore doesn’t even bother to deny it. He just looks at Remus with an unbearably sympathetic look. A heavy silence fills the room, until Remus turns around, grabs his cloak and walks to the door. “Where are you going?” James asks. Remus turns around at the door with a dark look in his eyes. “To kill Peter Pettigrew, ” He replies. No one tries to stop him._

“Crucio.” No matter how many times he has heard that word these last weeks- or is it months?-, the intensity of the pain shocks him every time. Sirius is vaguely aware he is laying on the floor. His body is covered bruises and deep cuts. He feels blood dripping down his neck, from a head wound from where his body was slammed against the wall. His left leg is twisted in a weird position. He can feel a burning ache all over his body, and he can taste blood in his mouth, which confirms that his body is as battered on the inside as it is on the outside.

The hooded figure lowers his wand and Sirius tries to catch his breath. He wonders if today will be the day his body finally gives in and he won’t wake up anymore. He hopes so. Suddenly, another figure bursts through the door. “Yaxley!” The new person shouts. “You have to leave, right now! He was defeated. Our lord, he was defeated. The Order can be here any minute.” “You’re lying!” “Why would I be lying? Look at the mark and tell me it hasn’t faded!” Sirius hears the hooded figure, this time it’s apparently Yaxley, curse. He turns to Sirius. “Best to leave no evidence…” “In Merlin’s name, Yaxley, they have enough evidence to put you in Azkaban for as long as you’ll live, just go!” A loud crack indicates that Yaxley has disapparated.

The other figure rushes over to Sirius and looks down with concern. Sirius blinks at him. “Reggie? You helped the Death Eaters escape…” “Of course I did, you idiot,” Regulus Black snaps. “I had to get them out of here. The Order would have trapped them in this house, and you would have definitely been killed.” “Okay, thanks, Reggie,” Sirius murmers, barely understanding what’s going on. “I guess I owe you.” Regulus rolls his eyes. “No, you bloody don’t, you tosser. Just, stay alive for a while longer. Help is on the way.” Another loud crack and Regulus has disapparated as well.

Alastor Moody is in a bad mood. Not that he’s normally so chirpy, but now his mood is especially faul. Remus sits at the Potter’s kitchen table in Godric’s Hollow. He’s helping James go through pieces of parchment confiscated from arrested Death Eaters, and trying to break the protective charms cast over them. So far, one tried to bite his hand off and another just bursted into flames upon touching it, earning Remus an angry glare from Moody.

They made the Potter’s home the new headquarters, so Lily and James can help despite still being stuck at home and all remaining members of the Order can see each other again. James had carried a piece of paper with him on which Sirius had written the address, which they had given to the other Order members to read.

They had high hopes after the arrest of Rabastan LesStrange, who, in an attempt to escape his faith of a lifetime in Azkaban, had lifted the protective charms surrounding the LesStrange villa. Just this morning, Moody had lead a group of trained aurors and Order members to the villa. After placing an anti-apparation shield, they had entered, only to find the villa abandoned. Moody had instructed Marlene, Mary and Emmeline to search the place for information, and when he returned to the Potter’s home, he had been furious. Whatever they might find, it will not make up for the disappointment, as they had expected they would have trapped a group of You Know Who’s most loyal followers.

"Arg,” James hisses next to Remus, shaking his hand. “Pricking Parchment hex?” Remus asks. “No, paper cut,” James mutters. Remus chuckles. Suddenly, he’s startled by a loud crack. Under normal circumstances apparating inside someone’s home would be considered incredibly rude, and not something any witch or wizard would even consider, but since inside is much safer than on the street and only Order members are able to get in, they decided to make an exception. However, Remus does not think he will ever get used to people suddenly appearing with a lot of noise right in front of him.

As they are faced with a pale and frantic looking Mary, however, everyone immediately jumps to their feet, wands ready. “McDonald, report,” Moody demands. “Did Death Eaters arrive? Do you request back up?” “No, no, no,” Mary shakes her head, still looking frantic. “No Death Eaters, we… We found…” Mary takes a steadying breath. “We found Sirius Black.”

Remus feels his chest constrict. “You found… How do you mean you found… You mean his…” Mary shakes her head. “No, alive. Well, barely so. Alice, you’re training to become a healer, we need your help.” She stretches out her hand to Alice, who immediately takes it and another loud crack and they're gone.

James is pacing up and down the room, relentlessly running his hand through his hair. Remus is staring straight ahead, without actually seeing anything. He tries not to hope. Sirius was barely alive she said, for all he knows he could be dead by now, or die soon. And who knows what he’s been through. Maybe he has lost his mind, maybe he’ll never be the man he knew and loved anymore. And is it even true? It might as well be a trick from the Death Eaters, use their loss and pain against them. But no matter what he tells himself, he cannot silence that tiny, hopeful voice in the back of his mind, repeating it like a mantra: Siriusisalive, Siriusisalive, Siriusisalive.

After what seems like hours, a sequence of loud cracks announces the return of the other Order members. First Marlene and Alice, supporting someone in their midst, followed by Mary and Emmeline. “There might still be spies in st. Mungo’s, so we figured that’s too dangerous.” “Of course, this is the safest place for him to be.” “Merlin, he looks terrible. What did they do to him?” “I’ll send for a trustworthy healer!” “I performed a blood replenishing spell, and some basic healing charms, but these wounds are caused by obscure Dark Arts. We’ll need advanced potions and complicated healing spells.”

Remus hardly hears what the people around him are saying. He walks forward and stares at the figure half laying on the floor, barely held up by the two women on either side of him. His hair is long and unkempt, his robes are covered in blood, and so is his face, combined with large bruises. He looks pale and so very thin. “Sirius,” Remus whispers. Large, grey eyes meet his for a brief moment, after which Sirius’ eyes flutter close as he loses conscienceness.

Sirius wakes up. Which is weird in itself, since normally he is woken up, either by someone kicking him in his ribs or just hexing him awake. The second weird thing is that he is laying in an actual bed. It’s dark outside, but he can make out the contours of a small, cozy bedroom. His bloodied robes are gone. There is a bandage around his head and a wet cloth on his forehead. Some kind of ointment is smeared on his wounds, feeling incredibly soothing. The burning pain throughout his body is still present, but somehow the sharp edges have been taken off.

Sirius has an idea where he is, but he has a hard time believing it. It could be a trick. Make him believe he’s got everything back, only to take it all away from him again, and break him for good. But they couldn’t have faked that, could they? But then again, it could have been his own imagination playing tricks on him. He’s pretty sure his own mind could have easily come up with a perfect hallucination of Remus Lupin’s eyes.

He slowly gets up and tries to get out of the bed. He winches as he moves his left leg and wonders vaguely if he’ll ever be able to walk normally again. A curse to shatter the his bones, that was new to him. He’s glad Bellatrix didn’t know that one when they were kids. As he gets up, he’s hit by a wave of dizziness and almost immediately blacks out again. He knows he should keep laying down, but he has to know. Not even necessarily where he is, but more importantly, if it’s real and who else is here.

He stumbles out of the room, relieved the door isn’t locked, trying to put as little pressure on his left leg as possible. He has barely made it into the hallway when he hears a soft voice. “Padfoot?” Startled, Sirius takes a step back and holds himself up against the wall. He knows that voice. He has imagined that voice. He has craved that voice, but he still can’t believe it’s really him. Even when he sees his face in the light of his wand, the emotion in his light-green eyes. He has to check, like the Order taught him to do.

"What was the first time you told me you loved me?” Remus smiles softly. “That was six months and 15 days ago, right before you left to go into hiding. I said I didn’t know why it had always been so hard for me to say. You laughed at me as a response, asked me what I was talking about, and said that all it took for me to finally say it back was you facing a tragic death in a gruesome war.” Sirius remembers the joy he had felt in his chest upon finally hearing Remus say those words, despite the dreadful situation they had been in at the time.

Sirius pushes himself away from the wall. “Re…” “Siri.” The next moment they both launch forward and wrap their arms around each other. Sirius breathes in Remus’ scent and feels a tension he didn’t even realise he had fade away. He suddenly feels incredibly tired. “Come on,” he hears Remus say, before the world fades away again. “You shouldn’t be out of bed.”

When Sirius wakes again, he feels more calm and rested than he has felt in a long time. He hears a familiar voice next to his bed. “If you start to play, you should really go for a Nimbus. However, when you begin flying for the first time, a SkySweeper would be a proper broom to learn the technique. Your mum wants you to wait until you’re eight, but I think we can give it a try at six, what do you say, Harry?”

Sirius opens his eyes. James is sitting in a chair next to his bed, showing his son, who is seated in his lap, pictures of brooms. “You’re going to love flying on a broom, Harry. It’s the best feeling in the world.” “Don’t listen to him, Harry,” Sirius says, and James whips his head around to look at him. “Motorcycle’s much cooler. I’ll take you on mine, and you’ll see.” James places Harry on the floor with his toys and turns to Sirius.

"Such a shame. We went through all this effort to keep you alive, only for you to be murdered by Lily after.” Sirius snorts. “Prat.” “Twat.” Sirius and James look at each other for a moment, and then James envelops him in a tight hug. It hurts slightly, but Sirius doesn’t care. It feels like the time he had arrived at the Potter’s doorstep, hurt and lost, when he was only sixteen years old. They are both older now, they matured so much these past years, stripped of their boyish bravoure and their conviction they were invincible. But the feeling is the same. A feeling of finally being home, of finally being safe.

When Sirius wakes for the third time, he feels a hand in his and he sees Remus sitting next to him. He squeezes Remus’ hand. Remus immediately turns to him and smiles. “Hi.” “Hi.” Sirius just looks at him for a moment. “How have you been?” Remus brushes a strand of hair away from his forehead. “These last weeks? Honestly, I’ve been better.” Sirius takes in the bags under his eyes and his hollow cheeks. “You’ve looked better.” Remus rolls his eyes. “Why, thank you. Always so kind.” Sirius smiles. “Well, I’m one to talk anyway.” Remus looks at him up and down. Sirius knows he’s pale, skin and bones, and covered in wounds and bruises. “Nah,” Remus says. “Still gorgeous.” Sirius barks out a laugh.

“Hey, Moony?” He asks after a moment. “Do you still love me now that I’m not going to tragically die a young and handsome war hero?” Remus bites his lip. “If I say yes, I’m going to be stuck with you forever, aren’t I?” “Pretty much, yeah.” “Well, in that case, yes.”


End file.
